LOL

[Heelandcoo]

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the
inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed

incredibly long, oversized willyes.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for

your elongated willyes?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have willyes!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it
came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

[Heelandcoo]

-

A couple goes on holiday to a fishing resort.


The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.


One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lakes area, the wife decides to take the boat out.


She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a fishing inspector in his boat.


He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning ma'am. What are you doing?"


"Reading a book," she replies (thinking "isn't that obvious!").


"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.


"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."


"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and make a report."


"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.


"But I haven't even touched you," says the man.


"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."


"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.



MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[bawheid]

pmsl

[***Koala***]

very funny hen especially the willie yin lol lol lol

koala

[Heelandcoo]

A Doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.

The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, "You aren't so good in bed
either!" and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone. "What
took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"

"I was in bed."

"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"I was getting a second opinion."

[Heelandcoo]

A man, his wife, and his mother in-law went on vacation to
the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you
can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother in-law

home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only
$150.00?"

The man replied, "A man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and
three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[Heelandcoo]

YEAR 1981

1. Prince Charles got married.

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe

3. Australia lost the Ashes cricket tournament.

4. Pope died.



YEAR 2005

1. Prince Charles got married.

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe

3. Australia lost the Ashes cricket tournament.

4. Pope died.



In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, please warn the Pope!

[Heelandcoo]

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!
I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The other 5% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and
they would have married him anyway.

[Heelandcoo]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to
write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

[Heelandcoo]

Subject: Life



Life On the first day, God created the dog and said: Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years. The dog said: Thats a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I ' ll give you back the other ten? So God agreed
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I will give you a twenty year life span. The monkey said: Monkey tricks for twenty years? That 's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did? And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the hot sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer 's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years. The cow said: That 's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I ' ll give you back the other forty? And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I 'll give you twenty years. But the man said: Twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty that the cow gave back, the ten that the monkey gave back, and the ten that the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?Okay, said God, you asked for it. So that is why the first twenty years of our lives we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we spend our time slaving under the hot sun to support our family. Then the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years of our life, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

[Heelandcoo]

The Poodle


A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her
faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the
poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers
that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly
in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep sh1t now!" Noticing some
bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on
the bones with her back to the ap! proaching cat. Just as the leopard is
about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one
delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look
of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!",
says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something
must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the
beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine! !"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the
dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen
them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle
says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me
another leopard!"

Moral of this story..

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth
and skill! Bullsh1t and brilliance only come with age and experience!

[Heelandcoo]

An American touring Spain stopped at
a local restaurant following a day of
sightseeing. While sipping his sangria,
he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious
looking platter being served at the
next table. Not only did itlook
good, the smell was wonderful.





He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"



The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are
bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"





The American, though momentarily daunted, said,
"What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"



The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving
per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you
come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to
save you this delicacy!"





The next morning, the American returned, placed
his order, and then that evening he was served
the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents
of his platter, he called to the waiter and said...






"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller
than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"



The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
"Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[Heelandcoo]

Have any probs with the tax people, this may help .



At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"



"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."


"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:



"What about all these bread -wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread - wafers."



"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know - it - all Rabbi.



"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"



"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save
all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

[Heelandcoo]

Subject: Giving up beer, fishing, golf and sex







Giving up beer, fishing, golf and sex.


A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty
and shabby looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.
"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this! on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of
food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money.

Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that?
I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied,

"That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up
beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

[Heelandcoo]

Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and
Phil that the Army is better than working on the farm. Tell them to get in
bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone.
I woz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't
hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But I like sleeping in now, coz all you
gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya
uniform.
No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack. Nothin'!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs, but there's no kangaroo
steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until
noon,and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been
on a
route march. Geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the
back paddock!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I
keep getting medals for shooting - dunno why. The bullseye is as
big as a bloody possum's bum, and it don't move and its not
firing back at ya like the Johnsons
did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before
the Ekka last year. All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit
the
target and its a piece of piss. You don't even load your own cartridges -
they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the
rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload.
Sometimes you gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real
careful coz they break easy -
it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil
and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the
best the platoons got and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from
the Engineers, he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles
across the shoulders.
As ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringing wet. But
I fought
him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army. Tell the boys to get in quick
before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,
Sharon