hae ah wee keek in here

[Heelandcoo]

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.

The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people

Who remarked it was a shame the old man

Was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,

So they changed positions.

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked,

'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.'

So they then decided they'd both walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought

They were stupid to walk when they had a

Decent donkey to ride.

So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people

Who shamed them by saying how awful to

Put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man figured they were probably right,

So they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge,

They lost their grip on the animal

And he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?


If you try to please everyone,

You might as well...


Kiss your ass goodbye!






Have A Nice Day And
Be Careful With Your Donkey

[Heelandcoo]

Windshield
Bug

A
Man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his infidelity
When suddenly the woman reached over and cut the man's willy off and tossed it
Out the window.

Driving
Behind the couple was a man and his 8-year-old daughter. The girl was chatting
Away to her father when all of a sudden the willy splattered into their car
Windshield, stuck for a moment, then disappeared over the
Roof.

Surprised,
The daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what was that?'

Shocked, but not
Wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age,
The father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.'

The daughter
Sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment
Said.................

'Had a big dick, didn't
It?'

[Heelandcoo]

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'



Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.




Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull sh1t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh1ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh1t is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh1t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[Heelandcoo]

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and
said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were
celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
your friends you were dying of AIDS.'

The woman said, 'I don't want any of those biatches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

That's 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'.

[Heelandcoo]

Company letter
Dear employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HE.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).

We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!

The Management

[Heelandcoo]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.

She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.

She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied,
"You're in an air balloon approximately 10 metres above the ground elevation of 800 metres above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Liberal".

"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"

"Well", answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been
much help to me."

The man smiled and responded , "You must be Labor."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You're risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's MY fault."

[Heelandcoo]

Best Menopause Question Ever

Q:
How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light
bulb?

Woman'sAnswer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They
don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out
And,once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* lightbulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER
THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES
OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT

ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry.

What was the question?

[Heelandcoo]

Subject: bad neighbours

A new Council tax re-evaluation policy wants to charge us more if we live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.
There is a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.
Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
Her bad tempered old man is notorious for racist comments.
A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs. They are out of control.


Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle ?

[Heelandcoo]

What Religion is Your Bra?


A man walked into the ladies department of a

Macy 's

And shyly walked up to

The woman behind the counter and said,

"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "



"What type of bra?"

Asked the clerk.


" Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"


" Look around,"

Said the saleslady,

As she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color

And material imaginable.

"Actually,

Even with all of this variety,

There are really only

Four types of bras to choose from ."

Relieved, the man asked

About the types.



The saleslady replied:

"There are the Catholic,

The Salvation Army,

The Presbyterian,

And the Baptist types.

Which one would you prefer?"




Now totally befuddled,

The man asked about

The differences between them.

The Saleslady responded,

"It is all really quite simple. ..




The Catholic type

Supports the masses;


The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;



The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and


The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."




Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used

To define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why,

But couldn't figure out

What the letters stood for,

It is about time

You became informed!




(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!.
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen

And I can't get up!...




They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen

[Heelandcoo]

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.

For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers,

please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,

"Who's on First?"

might have turned out something like this:



COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

[koala]

jist hud a guid laugh efter reding yur jokes
koala