Hae a wee laff

[Heelandcoo]

Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure???

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.


1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE
WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

[Heelandcoo]

> Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last
> One is great!
> Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the
> Words back...or that you could crawl into a hole?
> Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
>
>
> FIRST TESTIMONY:
> I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
> Asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
> I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband
> didn't say a word... he knew better.
>
> SECOND TESTIMONY:
> I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
> I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
> After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
> Good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
> He asked if he could help me.
> Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with
> men's balls"
>
> THIRD TESTIMONY:
> My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
> Variety of candy and nuts.
> As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked
> If we needed any help.
> I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
> My sister started to laugh hysterically.
> The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
> To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
>
>
> FOURTH TESTIMONY:
> While in line at the bank one afternoon, m toddler decided to release
> Some pent-up energy and ran amok.
> I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust
> And annoyance from other patrons.
> I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
> Punished.
> To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just !
> As threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma
> That I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
> The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
> Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
> I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my
> Daughter in tow.
> The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of
> Laughter.
>
>
> FIFTH TESTIMONY:
> Have you ever ! asked your child a question too many times?
> My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I
> Was on him constantly.
> One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It
> Was very busy, with a full dining room.
> While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I
> Checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
> The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
> I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
> I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't
> Have any clothes with me."
> Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
> "No," he replied.
> I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
> Getting worse.
> Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ?
> This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his
> Cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
> While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he
> calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
>
> An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd
> Ever had!
>
> LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
> This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
> Embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
> Before she speaks.
> What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
> We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have
> Snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
> "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
> Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they
> Were laughing so hard!

[Heelandcoo]

Claude the Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Senior Centre.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience"

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye
on this antique watch." he said. "It's a very special watch. It's been
in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,
shattering into a hundred pieces.

"sh1t" said the Hypnotist .

It took three days to clean up the Senior Centre.

[***Koala***]

guid yins Angel nearly peein maself laughing