LOL

[Angel doon undur]

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were
stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was
an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just
that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's
thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal.
Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years?
Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? Hurt and angry, I
resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.
Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. my A$$ was
next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new
rear end to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. I couldn't believe that
my new ass was attached at least three inches lower than my original. Now,
my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long
skirts would stay in fashion. It was two years ago when I realized my arms
had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified
but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the
motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being
replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.
Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up,
unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and
without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts.
What could they do to me next? My poor neck suddenly disappeared faster
than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled. That's why I decided to tell
my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of
the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That isn't really plastic that
those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement
parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face
"lifted," look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my
thighs - and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!
This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I
was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed, I was relieved
to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep
them hidden in my waistband.

[Heelandcoo]

Subject: Phone call gone wrong


"Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul

After a brief pause , Daddy says,
"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,right now."

Brief Pause.

this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table,
run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door
and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
no clothes on and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!"


"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.

***Long Pause***



***Longer Pause***


***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool? . .

Is this 486-5731?"

[Heelandcoo]

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids
myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few
sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.

And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them.
If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class
with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby
brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mum and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mum's stomach, and Luke grew in there.He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm
trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.

The kids are watching her in amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mum starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she
doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mum to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
"And then, pop! My Mum had this bag of water she kept in there
in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the
bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread with her little
hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,
breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mum's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to
her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.

[Heelandcoo]

THIS KIND OF STUFF HAS GOT TO STOP IN OUR COUNTRY!

We Must Stop This Immediately!



Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street has become!

This extension work was apparently done at night!! Very sneaky stuff..



And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the youngsters.

They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face!

What do they think I am, a lip reader?



I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day, and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.



I got to thinking about the poor girl while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection .Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!



Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.



Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labelling a size 32 pair of pants a 42, or medium skirt as 'extra large? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and neck?



The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? Heck! I would never let myself weigh that much!

Just who do these people think they're fooling?



I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in
on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever
find a number in there!



All I can do is pass along this warning:



We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.



PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN

GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's regular fonts to be smaller than they once were. (They must be sneaking to my house and messing around with my computer. Probably the CIA....!!!) Pretty scary stuff huh?