LOL

[Heelandcoo]

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her girl thingyl lips reduced
in size because they were loose and flapping. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the
surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside
her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about
my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was
from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse . She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because
she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

[Heelandcoo]

He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me -- >this very moment."


His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."


Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.


Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.


More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"


She explains, "The egg timer's broken."

[Heelandcoo]

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was VERY upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And Paddy (for it was he) replied:

"Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And Paddy began:

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

"She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

"Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.

" Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

"I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.."

Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued:

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said...

'"Please.........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

[Heelandcoo]

Three young women are at a willytail party.
The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that
they are trying to one-up each other.
The first one says,
"My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for
two weeks on vacation,"
and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says,
"Well, my husband just bought me a New Mercedes,"
and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says,
"Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money
and we don't have any material possessions.
However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that
thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect willy."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says,
"Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you.
You know that vacation I was telling you about?
Well, It's not to the French Riviera. It's to my parents' house in
Philadelphia for two weeks."
The second one says,
"Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes.
He bought me a Honda."
"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make.
Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"

[Heelandcoo]

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers.

The children began to say:
" Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange.........orange,"

Finally the teacher gave them all honey Lifesavers.

After eating them none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue; It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spat her Lifesaver out and yelled:

"Oh My God!!!! They're arseholes!"

[Heelandcoo]

A kindergartnen class was given a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.When the time
came to present what they' found, the first little boy walked up to the
front of the class and made a small dot on the blackboard.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a period" said the boy.
"Whats so exciting about a period?" she asked.
"Damned if I know," said the boy, "but this morning my sister was
missing one, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack,
and the man next door shot himself."

[***Koala***]

guid yins Angel ah specially liked the furst yin........roflmao

cheers Koala