hae ah wee giggle at these

[Heelandcoo]

Always tell the truth in court

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared
for the answer. In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness, an elderly grandmother, to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?" She replied,
"Why, yes I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a young
boy, and frankly, you've been a big dissapointment to me. You lie, you cheat
on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will
never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know the defence attaorney?"

She again replied,"Why yes I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very
quiet voice, said,

"Neither of you bastards better ask her if she knows me."

[Heelandcoo]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned."

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's BigStick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."
"BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just Lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

[Heelandcoo]

WHAT DO RETIRED PEOPLE DO ALL DAY?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days
interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was
only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing
out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a
break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket
for having worn tires.

So I called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the
windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went
on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
It's important at my age.

[Heelandcoo]

Two Sisters & A Bull

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family
ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they
need to
purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can
breed
their own stock. They only have $600 left.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get
there, if
I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and
haul
it home." The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull,
and
decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it
for
$599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister
a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send
a
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our
ranch. I
need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here
so we
can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad
to
help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying
for
the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.

She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one
word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to
send her
the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever
going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup
truck
and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send
her
just the word "comfortable?"



The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big.
She'll read it very slowly . com-for-da-bull

[Heelandcoo]

He was 80, she was 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth.



The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."



The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said: "You are truly amazing. How do you do it?"

Again he said: "You've got the keep the old motor running."



The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said: "Well, well, well, you certainly are quite a man!"

He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."



The nurse then said: "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."

[Heelandcoo]

Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last
one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the
words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband
didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the
store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter
asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with
my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of
laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I
was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking,
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes
with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he
calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any !
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?

[***Koala***]

guid yins hen secially the 1st ah hud a guid laugh at that

[Heelandcoo]

fanx Koala....guid tae ken sumbiddy reads thum......lol

[Heelandcoo]

THE RABBIT
A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.


Much to his dismay,
the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman
driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the
side of the road
and pulls over.



She steps out of the car
and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible,"
he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed it."
The blonde says,
"Don't worry."

She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down,
and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.

It says...
"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
adds permanent wave."

[Heelandcoo]

One Word or Two?


In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to approach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hesitantly. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say...I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked
"Is that one word or two words?"

[Heelandcoo]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did."

"Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

Now keep that smile for the rest of the day