funny

[Heelandcoo]

A woman was depressed at the fact she had not had a date, nor any sex
for quite some time. Afraid she might have something wrong, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her personal physician recommended Dr Chung, a well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.

On entering the examination room, Dr Chung took one look at her and said, "Hokay, take off aw your crows."

She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him.

"Now," said Dr Chung, "get dow on your knees and craw reery reery fass away from me to other side of room." Having done that Dr Chung said, "Hokay, turn row and craw reery fass back to me." Once again, she obliged.

Dr Chung slowly hook his head and said, "Hokay, your probrem vaywe, vaywe bad, you got Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see, that why you have no dates, that why you no get sex."

Confused the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr Chung replied,"It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse!"
~~~~~~

[Heelandcoo]

Defense Attorney:* Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:* I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:* Will you tell us, in your own words happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:* There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:* Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:* No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:* What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:* He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:* Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: *No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:* Why not?

Little Old Lady:* It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:* What happened next?

Little Old Lady:* He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:* Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:* No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:* Why not?

Little Old Lady: *His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited I haven't felt that good in years!


Defense Attorney:* What happened next?

Little Old Lady:* Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney: *Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: *Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"!

[Heelandcoo]

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......"

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number,! date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorders-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up

[Heelandcoo]

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a f* cking big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond...or leave?

[Heelandcoo]

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this:

Many Sydney folks did hear this on the Fox FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly,they both win the prize.

One particular game however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on Fox FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First name only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First name only please."

Brian: "Sarah."

DJ: "Is Sarah at work Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here. Brian, is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - When was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well...."

DJ: "Question 2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay, final question - Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well...."

DJ: "This sounds good Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks...."

DJ: "Uh huh...."

Brian: "....and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great? That is more adventure than the previous hundred timesI've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow ]

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah shall we?" (Touch tones....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed on Fox FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo.... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure, now I will ask you 3 questions Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us."

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD BRIAN! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well...."

DJ: "Come on Sarah....where did you have it?"

Sarah: "Up the arse...."

After a long pause the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break."

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!