hae a giggle

[Heelandcoo]

AS A WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.
SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?" THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE." THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM,HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN TABLE AND HEARD A BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.
THE WIFE ASKED 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?' THE HUSBAND REPLIED I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON IN LAW'.

[Heelandcoo]

POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always buy it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container...

" TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM "

[***Koala***]

Guid yins hen talk aboot dumb blondes Eh!!!!
an the yin yin hud me in fits
Koala

[Heelandcoo]

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a
flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again!"
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting
flowers?"
The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations
after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three
days on my back with my legs up in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?

[Heelandcoo]

BBQ Definition

It's the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

1) The woman goes to the shops.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along >
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, whois lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with the situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing
some women!

[Heelandcoo]

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and
female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop
their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to
mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give
birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a
girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a
red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

[Heelandcoo]

Coincidence

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next
to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass
of champagne, too!

He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for
me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the
woman.

"What a coincidence." says the man.

They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist
told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all
my
hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched willys," he replied.

"What a coincidence, " she said.

[Heelandcoo]

A little girl is in sunday school and she falls asleep. When she is sleeping the teacher asks "Who created heaven and earth?". No one answer and a little boy behind the girl pulls out a pin and pokes her in the ass. She wakes up and says Lord all Mighty, the teach says it is correct.

The little girl falls asleep again when the teacher asks "Who gave his life for our sins?". No one answer and the boy behind the girl pulls out his pin again and pokes her in the ass. She wakes up and screams Jesus Christ. The teacher says it is correct.

The little girl falls asleep again when the teach asks "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?". No one answers and the boy pulls out his pin again and pokes her in the ass. She wakes up and says 'Dammit, if you poke me with that thing one more time, I will break it and stick it up your ass.'

[bawheid]

LOL