LOL

[Heelandcoo]

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day....

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into
hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas,Santa.
Isn' t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[Heelandcoo]

The Passing:

An old Catholic Priest was dying.

He sent a message for his tax agent and his lawyer to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the old priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The old priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and then stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.


Both the tax agent and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old priest would ask them to be with him during his final moments.

They were puzzled because the old priest had never before given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally the lawyer asked, “Father. Why did you ask the two of us to come?”

Told priest mustered up his failing strength, then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves – and that is just how I want to go too”.


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A Romantic Sunset


A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.


Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.


After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.


One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.


As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.


But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.


After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.


A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.


When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.


Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again.


He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear.....



"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk".

[Heelandcoo]

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi
at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he
asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was
having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the
cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and
there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't
do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I
inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for
our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Green Bay Packer Tickets.
He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club
membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"


The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he
catches a cold."