lol

[Heelandcoo]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've

been having all these years? Well, they're gone."



"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"



His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand

in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a

headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked!

The headaches are all gone."



The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."



His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in

the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and

see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.



Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,

picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed

and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."



He goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and jumps

into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.



His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"



The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."



He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better

than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."



With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly

follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the

mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not mywife!"



His funeral services will be held on Monday.

[Heelandcoo]

YOUR DRIVERS LICENSE TELLS IT ALL

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,"
the mother replied. "It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers' license It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,
"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an ‘F’ in sex."

[Heelandcoo]

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries
are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there
is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you
throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles
are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it
down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all
right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you
stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling
off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your
wife told you to do it?

And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky
diving!

AND MY FAVORITE....
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

[Heelandcoo]

I will never hear bells ringing again without having a quiet smile...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even... Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

[bawheid]

LOL

[Heelandcoo]

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could
you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I
may be in with a chance!" The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the
young man is going out; he returns and says, "Give me another condom
because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her
legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike
it lucky there too." The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the
boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom
because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she
always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is
expecting me to make a move!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left,
the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there,
the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner
and thank you for all you give us."

A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your
kindness." Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his
head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is
even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in
his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."
The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

[***Koala***]

ah dinae ken whur ye git ah the jokes Angel bit they gie me a guid laugh keep thum cumin


Koala

[Heelandcoo]

A man kills a deer, brings it home, cuts it up into pieces and cooks it for the family dinner.
Not telling the kids what it is, he suggests they guess, giving them a clue.
It's something that your mother calls me sometimes" he tells them.
The little girl screams and yells, "Don't eat it!
It's a F*CKING A*SEHOLE!"

[Heelandcoo]

A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter Scale has hit New
Zealand this morning.
350,000 New Zealanders are missing, and over 100,000 have been reported
injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to
start with providing assistance.
The rest of the world is in shock:
Canada is sending troops to assist the country.
The USA is sending food, medical aid and money.
France is sending doctors, nurses and medical supplies.
Russia is sending tents and warm clothing.
Australia is sending 350,000 replacement Kiwis.