LOL

[Heelandcoo]

A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.

Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?
"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied.

He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?
"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son...
"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious"

[Heelandcoo]

What is the difference between a Scottish man and a member of the Rolling Stones?

A member of the Rolling Stones says, "Hey you! Get off my cloud!"
The Scot says, "Hey McCloud, get off my ewe!"

[Heelandcoo]

Q. Why are Australians like kiwifruit?

A. Because they are rough on the outside, green on the inside.....
and too many of them will give you the sh1ts!

[Heelandcoo]

THE KILTED SCOTSMAN

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.

Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now!
He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.

Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied.

After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said...
"I don't know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"

[Heelandcoo]

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about Australian churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Perth, thinking that he would work his way across the country taking photographs. He was in a church in Perth when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The writer, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The writer thanked the priest and went
along his way.
Next stop was in Darwin. There, at a very large church, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered of this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Perth and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the writer.
He then travelled to Alice Springs, Adelaide, Brisbane, Sydney, Canberra and Melbourne, and other cities and towns in between. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
Before leaving Melbourne the American saw a sign inviting people to Tasmania, so he decided to see if Tasmanians had the same phone. He arrived at a church in Hobart, and again, there was the phone, but this time with a sign under it that read "40 cents per call." The writer was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over Australia and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Tasmania now son, it's a local call."

[Heelandcoo]

Lesson Learned
I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends
encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, quite a lot indeed, and that was my
mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all
beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and
made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations.

So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon

I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she
couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her
daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come
and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.



I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front
door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and
said, we are very happy and pleased; you have passed our little test. We
couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the
family.

Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Heelandcoo]

A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking mates.
Shoes in hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he
could towards the stairs leading to their bedroom, but misjudged the
bottom step in the darkened entryway.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and
he landed heavily on his rump. The scotch bottles in his back pockets
broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a
yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his
lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror in the darkened hallway.

He managed to find a large full box of Bandaid strips, and proceeded to
place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood. After hiding
the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to
bed. In the morning, the man woke with searing pain in head, his arse on
fire, and his wife staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night."

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and
replied, 'Now, darling, why would you say that?'

'Well,' she said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the
glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing
through the house,it could be your bloodshot eyes, but, mostly....
it's all those bandaids stuck on the mirror!'

[***Koala***]

nearly peein mahsel laughin at yur jokes hen wiz jist whut a needed a guid auld laugh

[Heelandcoo]

Och. dinnae go pishin yursel Hen....lol lol lol