A couple oh oor Aussie jokes

[***Koala***]

An Irishman arrived in Australia and went into a pub in the Outback where he asked for a glass and, having pissed into it, drank it. He then walked out the door, into the chook house and proceeded to knock the hens off their perches prior to going to the paddock, where he lifted the tail of a cow and put his ear to its anus. When he returned to the bar a few minutes later, the publican asked him to explain his strange conduct.

“Before I left Dublin,” he said, “I met an Aussie who said there are 3 things I had to do to be a real Australian. Drink the piss. Knock off the birds. And listen to the bullsh1t.”







The encyclopaedia salesman wasn’t having much luck. No one in central New South Wales seemed all that interested in the 24-volume Britannica with year books and the little ‘assemble-it-yourself’ bookstand. Not when it cost a couple of thousand bucks.

One Friday night saw him sitting sadly in a country pub, nursing a beer. He realised he was down to his last $50. That was that. After spending that, he’d be flat broke. Then, glancing around at the other blokes in the bar, who looked inbred and stupid, inspiration struck.

“My set of encyclopaedias is worth a couple of grand retail,” he said. “But if any of you blokes can answer three questions that I select from the information therein, I’ll give the whole bloody set to you for a hundred bucks. And if you can’t answer all three questions, it’s a hundred bucks to me. What do you reckon?”

There was movement amongst the gathering and a few mumbled exchanges. Finally a big, slow-moving bloke moved toward the salesman. “I’ll have a go,” he said. There were any number of approving ‘Goodonyas.’ And he slapped a $100 bill down on the bar.

This will be money for jam, thought the salesman. “First question: What is the capital of Liberia?”

The farmer put a finger in his ear, studied the ceiling, frowned for a few moments and, finally, said, “Monrovia”. The salesman winced. Reassuring himself it was a lucky shot – perhaps the bloke had been watching Sale of the Century – he asked the second question. “Who was Malaysia’s third Prime Minister?”

The young farmer frowned, looked at the barmaid, looked at his mates and, finally said, “Jeez, I think it was Tun Hussein Onn.” The salesman was astonished and leafed desperately through the pages of his encyclopaedia.

“All right, here’s question three. How many people attended the closing ceremony of the 1956 Olympic Games in Melbourne and what were their names and addresses?”

The farmer hitched up his trousers, drank a beer, took a deep breath and said, “Sixty-eight thousand, nine hundred and twenty-two, not including the sheila who had to leave early to have a baby.” Whereupon he began to chant a list of names and addresses.

It took him nearly four days to get to the end of his answer. By then the salesman was devastated. “How the hell do you know all this stuff?”

“Well,” said the farmer, “I take smart pills.”

The salesman realised that these must be miraculous preparations. He’d be better off flogging them than encyclopaedias.

“Where can I get some of these smart pills?” he asked.

The farmer scratched his crotch and said, “Me dad makes them, but he reckons I’m not allowed to tell anyone the recipe. The ingredients are a family secret.”

“But he didn’t say you couldn’t sell them, did he?” asked the salesman.

The farmer thought for a moment and finally said, “I suppose it would be okay if I charged you $50 and you swallowed a couple here and now.”

The salesman eagerly handed over his last $50 bill and watched as the farmer produced a matchbox from his back pocket. “Take them all now with a nidi of beer,” he instructed.

The salesman looked apprehensively at the pills but then, one by one, swallowed them. A look of disgust appeared on his face. “Christ, these pills taste like sheep sh1t.”

“See,” said the farmer. “You are getting smarter already.”


A motorist was driving quietly along the road when, suddenly, his eyes goggled as, believe it or not, he espied a three-legged chook running beside him. It suddenly made a right hand turn, heading up a side track towards a nearby farm house. Intrigued, the motorist decided to follow the chook. At the end of the track, he met a farmer leaning on a gate.

The motorist said, “You probably won’t believe this, but I reckon I saw a three-legged chook running this way.”

The farmer was nonchalant in response. “Yep, we breed them here.”

“But why?” asked the motorist.

“Well, you see, I like a leg, my wife likes a leg, and me son likes a leg.”

“And what do they taste like?”

“Dunno”, replied the farmer, “no one can catch the little bastards.”

[Chook = chicken in Aussie lingo]





A bloke is marooned on a desert island. But he survives as there are plenty of coconuts and fresh water. Months pass and he sees a ripple about a hundred yards off shore. It keeps getting closer and closer until, at last, a tall blonde in full diving gear appears.

“You poor man”, she says. “How long have you been here?”

He replies that he’s lost all track of time and doesn’t know. What he knows is that he’s dying for a fag.

“No trubs”,(no troubles) she says, unzipping a pocket on the arm of her wetsuit and pulling out a packet of Winnies and a lighter.

Puffing happily, the bloke says he’s in seventh heaven and she asks him if he’d like a beer.

“Would I!” So she unzips the other pocket and pulls out a can of VB.

With a fag in one hand and a beer in the other, the bloke reckons he’s got it made. Then the blonde starts to unzip the front of her wetsuit.

“Having been here all this time,” she says, “I guess you’d like to play around.”

And the bloke says, “How on earth did you fit a set of golf clubs down there?”

Winnies = Winfield brand of cigarettes VB = Victoria Bitter, a popular brand/type of beer




The Australian, the Frenchman and the Canadian were bragging about their sexual escapades with their respective wives.

“After I have zee sex wiz my wife’” said the Frenchman, “I cover her wiz crepes suzette and eat it sensually off her silky bare skin. She becomes so excited she rises centimetres off ze bed.”

“After I screw my wife,” drawled the Canadian, “I pour maple syrup on her and lick it off slowly. She’s in so much goddam ecstasy she rises feet off the bed.”

“Me?”, says the Aussie. “When I’ve finished with my old lady I wipe my dick on the curtains and she hits the roof!”

[Satman]

Very good Koala..........but you forgot to tell us how the blonde got the golf clubs in her wet suit

[Heelandcoo]

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day.

On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.

On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach,drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.

On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf , drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good .... well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and
needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody good.

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!

[Heelandcoo]

Aussie Slang



I'm hungry:

"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."
"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."
"So hungry I'd eat a sh1t sandwich, only I don't like bread."
"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."
"So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."

I'm thirsty:

"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."
"I'm drier than a nuns nasty."
"I'm dry as a f**k with no foreplay."
"I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."
"I'm as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards."
"I'm drier than an Arab's fart."

I need to go for a pee:

"Gonna drain me dragon."
"My back teeth are floating."
"Need to syphon the python."
"Takin' the kids to the pool."
"I got to take a snakes hiss."
"Gotta go have a slash."
"Gonna go water a horse."
"I'm off to drain the main vein."
"Time to splatter the bladder."
"I'm dying for a piss ! so bad I can taste it."
"Shake hands with the wife's best friend."

I need to do a poo:

"I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi."
"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."
"It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly."
"Off to the bog to leave an offering."
"Time to snap off a grogan."
"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."
"I'm gonna strangle a brownie."
"There's a brown dog barking at the back door."
"I'm going to give birth to your twin."
"Need to choke a brown dog."
"I've freed Nelson Mandela."
"Going for a Rodney."
"Taking out the garbage."
"I gotta back one out."
"Release the Chocolate hostage"
"i gotta lay some cables for telstra"

Vomit:

"Calling for George."
"I was driving the porcelain bus this morning."
"I left him a lawn pizza."
"Toss a tiger on the carpet."
"Gotta go Ralph"

Insults:

"I hope your ears turn into arseholes and sh1t on your shoulders."
"Not enough brains to giv! e 'imself a headache!"
"About as useful as tits on a bull."
"You must be the world's only living brain donor."
"He's a few wanks short of an orgasm."
"She had more pricks than a second hand dartboard."
"He had a head on him like a sucked mango."
"May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down."
"He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock."
"So stupid that he wouldn't know a tram was up him 'til the bell rang!"
"Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery."
"Pull your lip over your head and swallow!"
"As ugly as a hat full of arseholes."
"If I had a dog that looked like him, I'd shave it's arse and make it walk backwards."
"Got a face like a bashed in sh1t can."
"Couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground."
"Couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse."
"Couldn't organise a f**k in a brothel with a fist full of fifties."
"About as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition."
"I'll kick your! bum till your nose bleeds!"
"A stubbie short of a six pack."
"Seen better heads in a piss trough."
"You're as handy as sh1t on a stick."
"Tighter than a fish's arse."
"So tight that he wouldn't shout if a shark bit him."
"Face like a smashed crab."
"As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."
"He could talk a dog off a meatwagon."
"F**ked in the head."
"You've got a head like a half-eaten pastie."
"He wouldn't go two rounds with a revolving door."
"Mate, she's as rough as a pigs breakfast."
"Your face is like a twisted ugg boot."
"He's got a face like a cat licking sh1t off a thistle."
"She's been hit with the ugly stick too many times."
"She's two pick handles wide."
"An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."
"As ugly as a bag of spanners."
"You've got a head like a dropped pie."
"He thinks his sh1t don't stink, but his farts give him away."
"I wish his dad had settled for a blow job."
"Fell out of the ugly ! tree, and hit every branch on the way down."
"Your the load your mother should have swallowed"
"If I had a head like yours I'd circumcise it."
"Wouldn't know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deck chairs."
"As thick as two short planks!"
"you got a head like a busted watermelon"

Compliments:

"Ya bloods worth bottling!"
"He's True Blue."

[Heelandcoo]

Random Breath Test



From the mouth of aboriginal comedian King Billy Cokebottle.

I was travellin in the outback one day wit my friend Morton, when off in the distance we sees a booze bus (police).

Morton thinks this is great and heads straight for it.

We pulls up and Morton winds his window down and says "Two cans of Emu Export thanks mate!"

The copper looks at me and Morton and says "You must be drunk! Get out of the car and blow into this bag for me."

Morton got out of the car and said "Sorry boss, I can't blow in that. I got a letter from the doc saying I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow in that."

The cop looks at him and with a bemused look and says "OK. In these cases we require you to give a blood sample."

"Nah nah sorry boss. Can't be doin that. I got a letter from the Red Cross saying I'm a Hemophiliac and I could bleed to death. Sorry boss, can't do that" said Morton.

By now the copper is getting fairly pissed off and finally demands a urine sample for testing.

Morton looks at him and says "Sorry boss, can't do that either."

The copper says "Surely you can't have a letter for that!!! "

"Bloody oath mate." says Morton. "It's from the government. Says that you whites can't take the piss out of us Black Fellers."