on the road

[Heelandcoo]

A salesman checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely.
He was single so he got to thinking about some female company. So, he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone books from one of the "escort" services. He picked a number and dialed it.

A woman answered, "Hello?"

"Hi, I hear you do escorts and massages and I'd like you to come to my hotel room and give me a massage. And after that I want sex! In fact I want jungle sex . . . wild, crazy hanging-from-the-chandelier type sex! I'm talking kinky, the whole night, you name it we'll do it! Bring all kinds of sex toys too! I don't care what they are, you can use them on me! You can even tie me up and then cover me in whipped cream! Now how does that sound?" he asked.

The woman said, "Interesting sir, but for an outside line you press 9."

[Satman]

LoL....liked that one....simple mistake!!!!

[Heelandcoo]

Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a protector.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female.... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 5 minutes.


AND;


He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put
in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . .... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . I would but you're never there.

He said . . Why did the man cross the road?
She said. He heard the chicken was a very *friendly* person.

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said .. . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[Heelandcoo]

What Starts with F and ends with K


A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of
her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in
the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's
office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to
the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms.
Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to h! im
and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd
grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry
can go to ! the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let ! me ask h im some
questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only
Two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop
the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that
means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

[Heelandcoo]

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.
"Would you like male of female?"
"Female, please."
"Would you like Black, or White?"
"White, please."
"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"
This question confused the man . . . and he replied, "What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"
"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend to death. Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose all your friends".

Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," send me your mother"