Ah few mair wee jokes

[Heelandcoo]

Subject: Fw: What beats a princess?


A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing Down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over
those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no
one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well,sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, b!tch."

[Heelandcoo]

::)Subject: [ Men strike back - Listen up ladies!!

:
>

> The time has finally come...
> Men strike back! ! !
>
> How many men does it take to open a beer?
> None. It should be open when she brings it.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
> Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
> never be able to support you.
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> Why do women have smaller feet than men?
> It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
> them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
> When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> How do you fix a woman's watch?
> You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Why do men fart more than women?
> Because women can't shut up long enough to
> build up the required pressure.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
> the front door, who do you let in first?
> The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
> A woman who won't do what she's told.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
> a woman's sex drive by 90%.
> It's called Wedding Cake.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Why do men die before their wives?
> They want to.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
> Then God created Man and rested.
> Then God created Woman.
> Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------

[Heelandcoo]

Man of the House
A husband had finished reading a book about being the "Man of the
House". By the time he reached his home. All charged up he stormed into
his house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing and shaking a
finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am
the man of this house, and my word is law! I demand that you prepare me
a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect
a sumptuous dessert afterward! Then, after dinner, you're going to rub
my tired feet and draw me my bath so I can relax. I will be expecting
you to bring me martinis while I soak in the tub! And, when I'm
finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The f----ing funeral director," replied his wife.

[Heelandcoo]

The Nun and the Soldier


A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.

He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few
minutes.
I'll explain why later."
The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, the two
MP's came running a long and asked her if she had seen a soldier running
down the road.
She replied, "He went that way". After the MP's disappeared,
the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: "I can't thank
you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."
The nun said she understood.
The GI said, "I hope you don't think me rude or
impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"
The nun replied," If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most
beautiful pair of testicles you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq
either!"

[Heelandcoo]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, but we had money left over "so now we're going to Sea World."

[Heelandcoo]

Paddy


Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night.
Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight,Paddy".

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then".
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face."Shoite,Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the Door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement.

He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame,
opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".
But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed".

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock this, I gotta stop drinking," and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says,
"Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called...... You left your wheelchair at the pub"

[Heelandcoo]

One word - or two.



One Word or Two?


In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to approach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hesitantly. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say...I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked "Is that one word or two words?"

[Heelandcoo]

>ICE FISHING
>
>A blonde decided she needed something new and different
>for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought
>every book she could find on ice fishing.
>For weeks she read and studied every book, hoping to
>become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she
>knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing
>trip.
>She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and
>equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of
>equipment had its own special place in her kit.
>When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area,
>placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools.
>Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice,
>a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no
>fish under the ice!"
>Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings,
>moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate
>from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.
>Again the voice from above bellowed,
>"There are no fish under the ice!"
>Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this
>certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packed
>up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once
>there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm.
>Then she was extremely careful to set everything up
>perfectly -- tools in the right place, chair positioned
>just so, everything.
>Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice
>came again,
>"There are no fish under the ice!"
>Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked
>"Is that you Lord?"
>The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the
>skating rink!"

[Heelandcoo]

Patient

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his willy in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

[Heelandcoo]

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve is known as naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, and Advil is ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix and of course ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of willytails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount & Do. The long term implications of drugs and medical procedures must be fully considered:

Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer's research. It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.

[Heelandcoo]

Chinese Sick Leave

:

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach-ache and my legs hurt…I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makeseverything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel
great. I be at work soon...you got nice house!"