Hae Ah Wee Laff

[Heelandcoo]

THE RABBIT



A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay,
the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman
driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the
side of the road
and pulls over.



She steps out of the car
and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible,"
he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed it."

The blonde says,
"Don't worry."

She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down,
and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.

It says...
"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair,
adds permanent wave."

[Heelandcoo]

Little Old Lady In Court

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch
on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really
spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fools!"
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!

[Heelandcoo]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad".
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:


Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice, even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes.
But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy.
Even though you won't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.


Your son, John




PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[Heelandcoo]

An Amish family were in a mall for the first time. The boy and his father
were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an
elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life,
I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady
moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the
lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and

his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up
sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and after a short
pause, the numbers began to light in the reverse order.Finally the walls
opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother."

[Heelandcoo]

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries
are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there
is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you
throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles
are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it
down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all
right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you
stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling
off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your
wife told you to do it?

And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky
diving!

AND MY FAVORITE....
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

[Heelandcoo]

Materialistic Women !!!


A woman parked her brand-new Lexus in front of her office, ready to show
it off to her colleagues. As she got out, a truck passed too close and
completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The woman immediately
grabbed her cell phone, dialed the emergency number, and within minutes
a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the woman started
screaming hysterically. Her Lexus, which she had just picked up the day
before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter
what the body shop did to it.

When the woman finally wound down from her ranting and raving, the
officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you women are," he said. "You are so
focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the woman.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the
elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."


"OH MY GOD!" screamed the woman.

"Where's my new bracelet?"

[Heelandcoo]

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say! "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who was that?"

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

CAN YOU RELATE???

[Heelandcoo]

STUDIP MEN!



A young married woman had been in Hospital, laying in a coma for months.


Nurses were in her room one morning giving her a blanket bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement.


They went to her husband and explained what had happened, telling him, "crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his co-operation, it might just work. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room.


A few minutes passed and then the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate, alarms ringing, the nurses burst into the room. "What happened?" they cried.



The husband said, "I'm not sure..., I think maybe she choked".

[Heelandcoo]

Subject: FW: Decorator







A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself
out
as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighbourhood.. She went to the front door of the first house, and
asked
the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How
much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would
need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it
two
coats.

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed
it
to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[Heelandcoo]

Training your Pet
A guy named Paul received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Paul tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing the bird soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and
the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Paul put the parrot in the
freezer. For a few minutes, he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. Paul was frightened that might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Paul's extended arm and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavour at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." Paul was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

[Heelandcoo]

Girls night out
Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, but had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on beer. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties and use them, then throw them away.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. They then made off for home.
The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties"
"That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you'."

[Heelandcoo]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did."

"Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

[bawheid]

lol cheerz Angel hen

[Satman]

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Talk of mattresses reminds me of this true story. A wifie that stayed along the road from me when I was younger was really small and very shortsighted. She was gassing with my mother one day and told her that the shop had a notice up in the ad board looking for a 4' 6" waitress. Having experience as a waitress she thought this would be the ideal job for her. My mother, by now intrigued as to why the waitress had to be so small, went down to the shop to have a look. And sure enough there was the notice:

Wanted 4' 6" Mattress Contact *******

[Heelandcoo]

LOL... aye gled it's no jist me that git hings wrang....lol
Mind you... it's aye guid tae hae ah wee laff, even if it's jist it masel...lol lol lol