a few mair wee jokes

[Heelandcoo]

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets
with the name Mary Ellen written on it," she replies.
"Don't be silly," he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races its the name of one of the horses I bet on."
She seems satisfied and at this, she apologizes.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around, he asks again, "what was that for?!"
She responded, "Your fu*ing horse phoned."

[Heelandcoo]

Diary of a NEW Queenslander THIS IS GOOD !!!



August 31st



Just got transferred with work into our new home in Brisbane!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!!

Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place!

I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the verandah. It was beautiful.

I've finally found my home. love it here.



September 13th:



Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem.

Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.

What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this.

I'm turning into a sun worshiper.



September 30th:



Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today.

Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain.

No more mowing lawn for me.

Another scorcher today, but I love it here.



October 10th



The temperature hasn't been below 30 all week.

How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though.

But getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.





October 15th:



Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.

Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do.

I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.



October 20th:



I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.

By the time I got to the hot car for lunch,

Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery.

I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat sh1t.

I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.



October 25th:



The wind sucks. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell.

The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.



October 30th:



Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.

Bloody $450,000 house and we can't even go inside.

Why did I ever come here?



November 4th:



It's 35 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today.

It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody

humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30.

Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid place.



November 8th:



If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to strangle him.

Bloody heat.

By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!



November 9th:



Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car.

I thought my arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my arse.

Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.





November 10th:



The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny.

Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny.

It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place?

Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the bloody pool.

Even the palms can't live in this heat.



November 14th:



Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 38 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car.

The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"

My wife had to spend the $2,500 house payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the repairman. Bloody Brisbane.

What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?



December 1st:



WHAT?? This is the first day of Summer? Ya kiddin me!!!!

[Heelandcoo]

NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyeslook glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[Heelandcoo]

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
------------------------------ -------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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[Heelandcoo]

BEER vs girl thingy
1. Beer is always wet. girl thingy needs a little work.
-One point to BEER
2. Warm beer tastes awful.
-One point to girl thingy
3. A really cold beer is satisfying.
-One point to BEER
4. If after taking a swig of your favourite beer you find a hair
between
your teeth, you may vomit.
-One point to girl thingy
5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a
scene,
kick you out, etc.
If you get home reeking of girl thingy your wife may get mad, kick you
out,
even leave you.
There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point
of
view and personal circumstances.
-I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.
6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home.
Ten girl thingys in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
-One point to girl thingy
7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may
suffer.
If you eat any p***y in public, you become a legend.
-One point to girl thingy
8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested.
If you smell of girl thingy he may buy you a beer.
-One point to girl thingy
9. You normally don't find old beer.
-One point to BEER
10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers.
Too much girl thingy and you'll think you've seen god.
-One point to girl thingy
11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring.
Ripping off panties is fun.
-One point to girl thingy
12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
-One point to girl thingy
13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off
-One point to BEER
14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or
a
can.
-One point to BEER
15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but it eventually it
settles
down.
-One point to BEER
16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager,
etc
-One point to BEER
17. You always know how much beer is going to cost
-One point to BEER
18. Beer doesn't have a mother
-One point to BEER
19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you've drank
it
-One point to BEER
FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 girl thingy: 8
That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER
PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or
discriminated,
just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings,
let
alone
express them, an extra point for BEER!

[Heelandcoo]

A LITTLE FLAB

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife,
pinched her on the butt and said, "if you firmed up, we could get rid
of your control-top panty hose". While this was on the edge of
intolerance, she kept silent.


The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her
breast and said,"you know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of
your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him
by his willy with a death grip in place, she said, " you know, if you
firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the
poolman, and your brother."

[***Koala***]

guid yins hen ROFLMAO

[bawheid]

aye cheerz Angel