Hae ah wee laff

[Heelandcoo]

Onions and Christmas Trees
A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father,
Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds
of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but
hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, see them and they make you cry!"
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum ,how many kind of willyes are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers,
"Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.
In a man's twenties, his willy is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it Is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only!

[Heelandcoo]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I
really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I no come
work."

The boss says

"You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work.
You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.
You got nice house."

[Heelandcoo]

An Arkansas Mountain woman went to the Doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a 'specimen.'
When she got home, she asked her husband, "What's a specimen?"
He replied, "Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith - she's a nurse."
The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.
"What the hell happened?" asked her husband.
"'Danged if I know," she replied. "I asked Edith what a 'Specimen' was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose!!"

[Heelandcoo]

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring
the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing
a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier
beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly,
"So which six items would you like to buy? " Wouldn't it be great if that
happened more often?!!!
------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor
and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young
man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45
minutes." They were seated immediately.
------------
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate

to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the
aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her
father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews
responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her
father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get

used to the idea."
------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your
casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what
would you like them to say? " Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a
wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene
commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant
of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Don said: "I'd like
them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million years mean to
you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million
dollars mean to! you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks," Can I have
a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute".
------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every

evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with
anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me,
exactly where is Larry's bar?"
------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has
been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will

have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The

old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request,
dear," he said. "Of course, John, " his wife said softly. "Six months after

I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob,"
she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"
------------
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his
hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you
ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before
replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."
------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I
have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man
replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this,
asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain

she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you
what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you
know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your

wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The
man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

[Heelandcoo]

Cake or BED





WHICH WOULD U CHOOSE?



CAKE OR BED??



A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME

WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,



HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?

IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.



HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;

FIX THE LIGHT, NOW?

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO!



THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?

IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.



TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO.



FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?

THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.



I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS, HE SAYS.

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO.



I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.

I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!



SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.



AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.



AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.



AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.



HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?



SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE

YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE

REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.



HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?



SHE REPLIED,

HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO!

[Heelandcoo]

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.
The mother-in-law dies.

They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home
but that it'll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.

Without pausing, the guy says, "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? "
That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later,
he rose from the dead. "I just can't take that chance."

[Heelandcoo]

Try this for size!

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over

100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is

represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that

While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close,

and Attitude will get you there,

It's the Bullsh1t and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

[***Koala***]

Love yur wee jokes hen jist whut ah needed tae cheer me up

[boots]

I just read all the jokes and enjoyeed each one. Thanks folks!