A Few Jokes fur Yi awe

[Heelandcoo]

Mad Cow Disease...

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease.

The lady reporter: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease.

Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information,but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

The farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

The farmer: "I am getting to the point,madam. Just imagine,if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

[Heelandcoo]

50th Anniversary...

On the day of their 50th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding night and puts it on. She goes to her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?" He looks up from his newspaper and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember." "Well, what was it?" she asks. He's not much in the mood for this, but he sighs and responds, "Well honey as I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggles and says, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"

He looks her up and down, and replies, "Mission accomplished!"

[Heelandcoo]

Putting it in...

This married man goes to the confessional and says to his priest, "I had an affair with a woman...almost."

The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man says, "Well, we undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

Now say 5 Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box.

He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in!"

[Heelandcoo]

Subject: Story With A Moral
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate.She never did it when she was near anyone
else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."


The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.!!!

[Heelandcoo]

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night & heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!"

[Heelandcoo]

Subject: Husband shopping

Recently a 'Husband Superstore' opened where women could go to choose a husband from amongst many men. It was laid out in five floors, with men increasing in positive attributes as you ascend.



Rule:

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to either choose a man from that floor, or, ascend further. You could not go back down - except to leave the place, never to return.



A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find a husband...



First floor:

The door had a sign saying, 'These men have jobs and Love kids'. The women read the sign and said, 'Well that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?'. So up they went.



Second floor:

The sign read, 'These men have high paying jobs, Love kids, and are extremely good looking'. 'Hmmm', said the ladies, 'But I Wonder what's further up?'



Third floor:

This sign read, 'These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework'. 'Wow', said the women, 'Very tempting'. But there was another floor, so further up they went.



Fourth floor:

This door had a sign saying 'These men have high Paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a romantic streak.' 'Oh, mercy me', they cried, 'Just think what must be awaiting us further on!' So up to the fifth floor they went.



Fifth floor:

The sign on that door said, 'This floor is empty. It exists only to prove that women are bloody impossible to please. Please exit to your left, don't fall down the stairs'.

[Heelandcoo]

Lulu was a hooker, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was
among
them.

The police took them outside and had all the hookers line up along
the
driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her
granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her
grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges
and
she
was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I
think

I'll get some for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the
line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all
of
the hookers. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and
exclaimed,
"Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it? Grandma
replied,

"Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back

and suck them dry." The policeman fainted.

[Heelandcoo]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.



"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[Heelandcoo]

Men just love TOYS


A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out
of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment,
turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him
with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument off his tool . He read the
manual but didn't find any useful information.He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.

Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry Sir ," replied the customer service rep,
"The machine will release automatically once it's collected two litres ."

[Heelandcoo]

A guy walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you all a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my genitals inside.
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the crocodile's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered! and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again! and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone $1000 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but don't hit me so hard on the head with the beer bottle".

[JustinofOz]

Hello Angel, how's Mulgoa. got any rain there yet, we've had a bit of a drenching these last couple of days.

Excellent jokes. You certainly are in good humour.

[Heelandcoo]

Hullo Justin hoo ure yi ?
Naw we huvnae hud oany rain here, mairs the pitty !
Where aboot dae yi live, ah ken its up north , bit where exactly?

[JustinofOz]

Banora Point is in the Tweed valley, just about five Kilometres from the Gold Coast. Hope you get some rian soon Angel.

[***Koala***]

ah weel thats ah wee bit furthur up than we wur thinkin. Ma son lives in Old Bar ( Angel here) thoucht yi might be nearur tae him. Bit ah wiz way aff...lol